Thursday, October 1, 2009

Like a Dream

I never told anyone. I kept it all inside. I started to wonder if it was some crazy  dream or if it even happened at all. I thought maybe I made it up? Other times I thought - it wasn't that bad - it was no big deal. But last year people I hadn't seen started surfacing - family, friends - people who knew....

You're a miracle they said. How did you survive? 


Survive? Miracle? What did they mean? They started to tell me stories of their memories of  how bad things were, how thin I had become, how out of control......My older sister who I hadn't seen for a long time returned from living overseas. She needed to talk. She forced me to listen....forced me to remember. 

The memories hit. They hit hard. I wrote to get the images out of my head. 

I couldn't eat or sleep. I wanted to get in my car, close my eyes and drive. It felt like it was happening all over again - the beatings, the confinement, the rape - throwing up day after day after day even if I had tasted even a small bite of something - shoving needles in my arm - three and four times a day - ripping my arms with jagged rocks to feel something because I felt nothing. I was numb inside.



Why now God? Why are you letting me go through this now?  I didn't want to remember and yet in remembering it dawned on me - finally - just how far down God had reached to free me. 


Everyday in the heat, rain and cold - I ran - alone in the woods - in the hills near our home. There I felt the gentle touch of God - And I heard His whisper - You're stronger now. It's time to tell the truth of what happened. Tell your story to give someone hope -


How could I have never told anyone what He did. Nothing worked. Nothing could break the chains that kept me in living on the edge. Nothing except the gentleness of His touch. 

The power of His gentleness.......



This November, I will publish my story In the Eye of Deception. A True Story.   

14 comments:

DMN said...

Hi I love your blog, you can see mine about abuse and healing at- http://solegroup.blogspot.com/

Susan said...

God Bless You for this!

Susan said...

Every time I read something you've written, I feel that connection with you. I identify so much with your words.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm excited to hear that you are publishing a book. Congrats.

flying eagle woman said...

wow...thank you for sharing so much. there's just so much more to say...i'm not even sure where to start

oh. i'll start HERE - with a big hug and smile...
THANK YOU

Christiejolu said...

Thanks for following!

This is an amazing story. Youa r eso brave to share it with every one! Congrats on getting a book published! That is so awesome. I wil be sure to look out for it!

JANICE said...

Please read my blog when you have the time .I would be humble and if you can help me, THANK YOU .I love how you put your words together so beautify ,I wish i could write as well

Janice said...

Thank you
http://janmrp.blogspot.com/

Tammy said...

Thank you for stopping by.

Sharing you testimony to give God the glory...you will be blessed.

In His Grace,
Tammy

Dre said...

Thank you, i really enjoy my playlist as well, I'm very interested in your story! I cannot wait to read it. I am going to keep up with your blog if that's cool and add you to my sidebar if You don't mind... that's the only way I remember to check ppls blogs :o)

I feel like I can connect with you on different levels, but since I'm a new reader, I'm trying to figure those levels out. :o) I've stumbled across the right blog.:o)

Patricia Singleton said...

You remember because you are strong enough and courageous enough to deal with the abuse today. I was told that when I started working on my own incest issues. It helped me get through it. You are strong and brave. I look forward to reading your book when it is published.

SarahA said...

I am thinking, pain is healing in itself. Your strength shines through your words written.

Aj said...

Thank you for following my blog- God laid it on my heart to share Christ and the Word of Christ with others and I came across blogging. God Bless you for relying on God, for sharing your testimony with others so they can become closer to God. You are amazing! God Bless!

Angela said...

The power of His gentleness....

this spoke volumes to my heart.

Adrian said...

Wish you a Merry Christmas and May this festival bring abundant joy and happiness in your life! Great Religion Magazine collection I like to share with all Christian brothers and sisters.